Am I breathing

To know your body and to really know your body are different. I'm sure I fluctuate. 

Since the news I'm mostly thinking about my breathing. 

Am I? 

Following on from a podcast I've been using my breath to calm me, to slow down my fear and anxiety - that was for the non VHL related stress. 

Last night, through tears of fear I tried to use it again but this time I kept hearing 'difficulty breathing' as one of the things to watch out for. 

What risk then to that being a possible side effect of surgery and what fix is there for that? 

My voice matters so much to me, so much of my personality and my joy. 

My father struggled to speak clearly. It isolated him. It stopped his comic timing. I can still see the frustrated shake of his head when he wasn't understood. The resignation to give up saying it, whatever it had been. A silent tut on his taught lips.  

I am thinking too of life in a wheelchair. I'm thinking of the changes to my home. 

What will my husband become? 

Will everyone who loves me be part friend, part carer? 

To wait is to delay the possible physical risk, maybe, but waiting is mental exhaustion. 

Take a deep breath.