Click Click

 A while ago I began to get a click in my neck, loud through my ears from time to time, it was a new and satisfying sound. Now I'm wondering if it's that cyst. 

I wondering lots of things because I just can't imagine what the outcome will be if something goes wrong. 

The friend who annoyed me by not expressing my cancer is as real as others - you try this on for size. Cancer kills some people the cure is worse than the disease for some. But you try this- endless check-ups and fear. Anxiety founded in a real promise that something is growing in you and there is nothing you can do to stop it. The unknown of which bit of your body next, which part might not work. The urge to google and read through others posts - knowing that someone will have had a terrible experience and that that could, might, please god, won't be you. 

Hiding your real feelings from you child and quietly voicing them with your husband, mindful that he copes in another way, he won't dwell or confirm your fears head on but will listen. Wondering who you can be honest with. The futurama Head in a jar. He tried to comfort me by beginning to remind me of my blessings. I shouted (not very loudly) but possibly the loudest I've ever shouted ay him "I know how to count my blessings. I'm good at that. I don't want to now, I'm angry and scared and I have ever right to be." He was silent but held me still and I cried big fat ugly, angry tears. Then I pulled a sad face and blew my nose and we then talked more. 

I would maybe have talked to my dad, but maybe I wouldn't, he felt such guilt I would probably not wanted to worry him. I see the pain and fear and anger in my mothers face. She checks, she checks, she checks. Both of us holding it together pretending we can protect the other from our worry and fear. 

Today as I stretched out my head and neck from roller derby practice I thought about what strengthening my neck means. Will I be able to step away from this next challenge and begin to love again as I have before? This is a cruel disease that tricks you into feeling fine. 

My new challenge is to stay positive. 

It will be ok.