Head in a box

I knew that eventually this one would need to come out. I expected it but I didn't think it would be now. I hoped I had longer. 

And now, reeling from the news I am doing what I do - thinking through the worst case for my family, worst case for me, timing, plans, plan, plans. Default coping. 

In the hour or two after being told I have imagined so much, including the following:

• stopped breathing
• Been a head only
• Told my husband he needs to put all the rails back up that were there for my dad
• been wheelchair bound
• started a head only coaching company
• Told my new job that I can't start
• Move my surgery so it isn't during the girls exams
• decided to wait until after Japan
• died (of course) 

I've also actually, called my mum and sister, WhatsApp key people, emailed the girls school and begun to look at possible time frame to explore my work options. And cried - quite a lot. 

What I do know is that I don't want to take any unnecessary risks for letting it get worse. I don't want to go through what happened with the last cyst that really nearly fucked me over. I know I don't want to live with worry and fear of symptoms- the difficulty breathing one the most.