fear

I'm trying to keep out of my negative head space, I'm trying so hard and sometimes I am good at it. 

Not this morning, I felt a visceral fear of paralysis and what that might look like. This suddenly combined with a fear women have... Sexual assault and no way of telling anyone. I could feel his hands on me. It was as if it were a memory not a worry. Then I thought of the times when I've not given consent. So it's both. 

And it's sitting heavily on me, my jaw is tight and my eyes are sad. 

I don't know how to be alive right now. I don't know how I'm putting one foot in front of the other. It's an elaborate game - a real life squid game - peril just in front and a hope of survival no guarantee and no real skill to help change the odds. 

Right now, this moment I want to sleep and dream and be in a place that isn't now. 

Right now I'm not ok. 

Right now. 

And in a bit I'll clean my teeth and go and get bread and milk and I'll tuck myself into being very normal. 

But I can't ever be that.