feeling things

Today I've mostly felt a little small and sad. A strange mix of emotions over the week and I'm not sure where to put the feelings. 

Someone I love said some stuff that hurt and I don't know what to do with that. They've said sorry. They didn't like that they said it. I don't think they know why they did, but I'm still finding it a bit painful to know it was in there. 

Nothing major and they couldn't sleep for the worry of how it made my feel. 

I don't know how to ask why though because when they said they were sorry I took that. 

It's rare to feel hurt. 

And with all the things and all the other big feelings this just layered into my own sense of being small. 

Like I've shrunk. 

Daren had left the chat

I was scrolling through my phone today. Looking to distract myself and then I saw it. 

The chat I set up to update people on my kidneys. 

And he's gone - I guess someone has cancelled his phone. He's really gone. 

if Trump is right...

And god saved him... Then I think we will have to admit that the ancient Greeks had it right and the gods see us as play things. They will find the next 4 years quite funny. 

We need a Perseus - we all need to steal fire. 

Fear of a mother

 As I talked to my mum on facetime last night I saw the fear she feels for me. This was linked to me saying I thought maybe I needed a change in career - that I am perhaps ready to take a step back from the imaginary race I've been on. For the longest time I thought I needed to move up to move forward and with that I could only really see one path. 

Circumstances shape me - tumours don't. I have always been furious if I think VHL is going to stop me doing what I want to do. Livid that they wouldn't accept me onto the VSO programme and full of determined rage when kidney cancer got in the way of interviews for my then next step to Assistant Head. Incandescent when I was refused a massage because the less than scientific masseuse theorised that it would squash out my medication with all the toxins too. I didn't even believe the toxin were squash-outable. 

And then I saw her face and I didn't think I was doing a dangerous job but she sees the stress and she believes that the stress adds to the tumour growth and she is genuinely afraid of me being in pain and me being less than in control. And, frankly, so am I. 

I take hydrocortisone each day - I forgot yesterday and didn't realise until I was thinking about her worry later on in the evening. I felt fine. Partly because I'm feeling a bit stronger since I got home and since I started to see jobs I could do. Jobs with a purpose and a level of satisfaction included. I could see a future I wanted. It will be hard to walk away from the holidays and the pay... but if I get lucky I'll walk towards a different chapter and will be able to enjoy something new. And although there is a little bit of me that is sad at this I think maybe it is the sunrise after a dark night I need.